Afterimage
by Aishuu
Summary: As the last of the Duelists graduates from Ohtori Academy, the spell upon them is shattered... one by one they recall Utena, and thus begins another chapter in the SKU saga. NOTE: Corrected Part Five uploaded.
1. Phantasmic Reality

Aishuu Offers  
Afterimage  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: Shoujo Kakumei Utena - la fillette revolutionnaire" (C) Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito/Shogakukan, Shokaku Iinkai, TV Tokyo. The US version "Revolutionary Girl Utena" is (C) Central Park Media.  
  
Notes: Thanks to Lyra Stormrider and Alan Harnum for graciously prereading this for me. Yes, I know I dabble in enough fandoms and should finish some of my other stories, but this has been one of my pet projects for the past few months. This was formerly published under the name Quicksilver.  
Dedicated to Gerald Tarrant, who some would say is my better half.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Part One: Phantasmic Reality  
  
*Countdown: 2:00:00*  
  
  
I had been dreaming recently.  
  
Most people would think that wasn't that remarkable, but then again, most people didn't know me. I didn't dream; I lived in a reality so precise that everything I did reflected it.   
  
Music I adored, not for its artistic merit, but rather for the mathematical quality inherent in its notes. Piano was my favorite, as the notes were so staccato that they left no memory in the air- not like most stringed instruments, which continued to vibrate well after the note should have been forgotten. I used to be quite a pianist, but that was a while ago. It had been two years since I had sat at the bench, caressing the ivory keys that brought life to so many songs.   
  
Fencing, too, used to occupy my time. That was predictable, each stroke and parry part of some great dance that I could calculate. Mind and body would unite, and in the salle I excelled. Still, as with my music, I had lapsed, and grown out of practice.   
  
I sometimes wondered what had changed. Many things, myself most of all. But I did not know the reasons for the change, and I wished the answers would come to me. X=Y. Cause=Effect. I had seen the effect, but what was the cause?  
  
Yet it is the dreams that worried me. I do not dream. Still, I have vague glimpses of a girl in a boy's uniform, long pink hair fluttering behind her like a banner. Roses, blue roses. An impossible castle that hovers in the sky, always just beyond reach. And The Sunlit Garden plays eternally.  
  
Freud believed that dreams are the window to the unconscious. Is that true? I wonder. What was my subconscious trying to tell me? What was so blasted important that it disturbed my rest?  
  
Perhaps it is because I returned. I never should have accepted Kiryuu Nanami's invitation to play at her graduation party. Still, I owed her a favor, and now my debt is clear. I will have nothing to do with her again.  
  
Juri was worried when I told her I would be returning to our Alma Mater, for Nanami had, in her own inexplicable way, decided to host it there. Juri had been against me accepting the invitation, but I went anyway. So much of my past was at Ohtori Academy, a past I could not leave behind, but could not recall either.  
  
  
*1:32:12*  
  
  
I arrived early to check the piano. Nanami herself greeted me at the door, acting sweetly pleased. She had grown into a true lady, a golden rose that was as deadly as it was enticing. Her hair was loose to her waist, a cascade of sunshine. She kissed both of my cheeks, a floral perfume assaulting my senses as drew close to me. "Miki!" she said. "You haven't been around in ages." She frowned up at me, placing her slender hands on slender hips.  
  
I laughed to shrug away her acusation, and headed into her ballroom, knowing that she would likely forget about me now that I was here and she had what she wanted. Nanami is Nanami, after all, and there's no reason for her to change. Her methods had always gotten her what she had wanted before. Why change what works?  
  
The grand piano was just as I remembered it, made of cherry wood. I ran my hand over the gracefully arched lid, smiling as I recalled playing it. I wondered why had I grown so far apart from the music as I carefully adjusted the leather-padded bench. I hit a few chords, pleased to see that someone had been keeping it in tune. Nanami, perhaps?  
  
Miraculously, in spite of my neglect, none of my skill seemed to desert me. My fingers began to move in familiar patterns, and before I knew it, I was playing a melody that had haunted my dreams- a violent melody that spoke of anger, hatred, and possibilities. Such a dichotomy...  
  
  
*1:16:52*  
  
  
I'm not sure how long I played for before someone touched my shoulder. I'm not sure who I was expecting to see, but Saionji Kyouichi would have been on the bottom of the list. He and Kiryuu Touga had always been rivals, no matter what claim to friendship they may have made for the other. He focused his brilliant eyes on me, and I looked up at him, ending the song with an abrupt flourish. I doubt many people noticed. I had already played a complete set.  
  
"Can I get you something to drink?" he asked, resting his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"No," I replied coolly, trying to unobtrusively shrug him off of me. Saionji and Touga had always radiated a casual sensuality that made me uncomfortable. Everything they did seemed to have a sexual invitation laced through it, and I am sure either one would... jump my bones, as my sister would say, should I give them the slightest indication of interest. And that, to use another Kozue saying, was a can of worms I didn't even WANT to consider opening.  
  
Saionji smiled, the sly, slightly superior smile that only he could do. He ran his fingertips along the fine silk of my shirt, over my back and to my other shoulder. "Calm down, Miki," he whispered softly into my ear, his breath hot against my cheek. "You're like a skittish colt," he practically purred. "Didn't we used to be... friends?"  
  
"Horses have good instincts for people, and you were never my friend." I picked up his hand and shoved it off, rising to my feet.   
  
It must have been almost two years since I had seen him, and I was surprised by the fact that I was almost able to look him in the eye. I remembered being so much shorter than almost all my fellow Student Council members. Even Nanami had been of a height with me, but that was no longer the truth. I guess there's nothing like going back to realize how much you've gone forward.  
  
I nodded at Nanami, who was surrounded by her usual coterie of admirers. Shifting my eyes to the door, I silently made clear my intention to leave her party. Nanami scowled for an instant, then broke free of her flock. A pleasant smile graced her features, and for the second time that evening, I reflected on how beautiful she had grown. Too bad she wasn't the same on the inside, or I might have seriously considered dating her.  
  
No, that's harsh. Nanami is a special person, but part of her has been twisted... but I know she cares. I remember seeing her with her flunky, Mitsuru... remember how he used to follow her around wanting nothing more than her attention. She would give it to him, and part of me remembers... something else. There had been something special, but I can't remember.  
  
My memories are flawed.  
  
"Are you leaving so soon, Miki?" she asked. Her beautiful lavender eyes were wide with hurt, and some of it may have been real.   
  
"I played for your party, Nanami... it's time for me to go home. I have a long trip ahead of me."  
  
She looked at me, her mouth parted slightly. I could almost see the protest form in her eyes. "At least stay until the gifts have been exchange!" she protested.  
  
"Exchanged?" I asked in surprise. That implied that someone besides Nanami would be receiving a gift, and that just didn't fit with what I remember of her.  
  
Maybe she had changed.  
  
"I'm not the only one graduating. If you would have been normal, you'd be graduating with me."  
  
"I AM graduating this year!" I protested.  
  
"From college. With your Doctorate. It's not the same thing," she argued. "Please, Miki? Stay for another half an hour?"  
  
I sighed and nodded my agreement, and Nanami rewarded me with a smile as bright as her hair. "Good! I have something for you!"  
  
I blinked, unable to prevent myself. "Something for me?" I echoed rather dumbly.  
  
"Yes, yes!" she said with impatience, catching my arm and pulling me out towards the balcony. On the way she signaled one of her servants, and the man gave her a low bow, obviously having been prepped by his mistress for this signal, and rushed over to her with a long, narrow box in his hands. She took it from him, dismissed him with a flick of her fingers, and smiled at me. For once her smile was shy, and I was surprised. She didn't look like the empress who had ruled Ohtori through fear; no, now she looked like a shy girl who wasn't exactly sure how her gift would be received.  
  
"I don't have a gift for you, Nanami," I said warily, worried about possibly getting into her debt again.  
  
Her lavender eyes flashed. "Miki, can't a friend just give another a gift?"  
  
"It's not like you," I answered dryly.  
  
"How would you know? Since you graduated Ohtori, I haven't seen you." She sounded genuinely hurt.  
  
Had that hurt her? I wondered, and was surprised to see that it had. Then again, Nanami had few friends, and fewer still were the people she could be honest with. "I'm sorry, Nanami, but… I don't like it here. Bad memories, I guess."  
  
She shivered, even though the air outside wasn't that cold. "Don't you mean lack of memories?" she demanded, and suddenly she focused on me with frightened intensity. "What happened, Miki?"  
  
I felt the blood drain from my face. "What do you mean?" I whispered.  
  
"You know… seventh grade. What happened that year?" she replied. She grabbed my hand.  
  
"Touga got sick and you assumed his place on the Student Council," I answered, hoping that would be explanation enough.  
  
"No…." she said, shaking her head. "No, no, no! That's not what happened! Why do I have dreams?"  
  
"Dreams?" I parroted rather dumbly. "Well, Freud believed that-"  
  
"I dream of cats, and golden flowers, and a girl I don't know. I dream…"  
  
"Why do you think I know?" I asked.  
  
"Because I dream of you, with another girl. Do you remember Himemiya Anshi? The one who was always in the greenhouse?"  
  
"She wasn't here that long, but I remember having a bit of a crush on her," I said. Vaguely I recalled turquoise eyes and tightly bound purple hair.   
  
"You were obsessed," Nanami said cruelly.   
  
"Was I?" I asked, disconcerted yet again. This wasn't how I'd pictured the evening going. Nanami was celebrating her graduation by arguing with me? Unbelievable, but that's what had happened.  
  
"You were… can't you remember?" she begged.  
  
I shut my eyes. "I'm sorry, Nanami, but that was a long time ago."  
  
She thrust the package she had brought outside with her at me. "I thought of you when I saw this," she said.  
  
I smiled gratefully for the change in topic and slowly unwrapped the paper. It looked like it might contain a fencing foil, and I resolved to thank her, then throw the thing away into my closet as soon as I got home. I didn't fence anymore. Kozue had argued with me about that.  
  
As I unveiled it, I was surprise to see it packed in fresh blue rose petals. Surely Nanami had guessed- there was no way she could have known that blue roses were haunting my dreams. The scent was eerily familiar. Why would roses unnerve me so? I wondered. Certainly blue roses were rare, but…  
  
I found the hilt, and before I knew it, it was in my hand. Then I dropped it just as soon as I recognized what it was.  
  
The Sword of Dios.  
  
"Damn you, Nanami," I whispered.  
  
She held up a hand, which I noticed was wearing the rose signet that student council alumni were given. "You remember that thing, don't you?" she demanded.  
  
"Damn you!" I exclaimed. "You lured me here!"  
  
Her eyes were pleading. "I have to know! Having these holes in my memory- I can't live like this! Oniisama doesn't seem to mind, and Saionji is brainless as ever, but… surely you and Juri know something is wrong! Doesn't it bother you?"  
  
"No," I replied coolly.  
  
"Miki, please!" she exclaimed, catching a hold of me by my jacket.  
  
I didn't mean to do it. I've never done it before--not to anyone--but without thinking I gave her a sharp slap across the face.  
  
Nanami cried out and stumbled backwards, clutching her cheek in astonishment. She had never seen me like this, out of control and angry. "I'm leaving," I announced; the voice didn't seem my own.  
  
I felt her gaze on my back as I left the party.  
  
  
*00:46:03*  
  
  
Juri hadn't been happy with me. Rather than go home immediately, I headed out to her apartment to talk to her. Whenever I was confused, I always went to Juri.   
  
Juri lived in an apartment building with amazing security, yet they all knew me there. I was a frequent visitor; perhaps Juri's only regular visitor. She didn't make friends easily, and I doubted that she ever would. She was undeniably the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, yet there was always a core of ice around her. I was one of the few she let close, and not even I had seen the real Arisagawa Juri.  
  
I waved to the doorman as I walked into the building, and he tried to hide a slight smile beneath the brim of his cap by lowering his head slightly. I wasn't a fool; I was well aware that many believed I was Juri's boy-toy, but that didn't bother me. In a way, it was flattering that people would believe that I was worthy of her.  
  
Juri seemed to be waiting for me- she appeared almost instantly when I knocked on the apartment door. "Come in, Miki," she said in her velvety voice.  
  
I blushed in embarrassment as I did as she asked. "I'm sorry for disturbing you, it's just-"  
  
"It's just that you went to the party and found something there you didn't like," she said, quiet and knowledgeable as ever. "Touga called- he's rather annoyed at you for slapping Nanami, though she wouldn't tell him what she'd done to set you off."  
  
I looked at her, trying to find words. "I didn't mean to- I mean, Nanami-"  
  
"I told you not to go. Sometimes the past is best left there," she said. She pulled me inside and locked the door, making me jump at how resoundingly FINAL it sounded. "I'll make some tea."  
  
I shivered slightly as I slid off my shoes and on a pair of the slippers Juri had left out for guests. The light blue matched my hair perfectly, and I knew she had bought them with me in mind; after all, I was one of her only visitors. Still, something about Juri's tone hadn't reassured me. She was going to have one of her "talks" with me, and I rarely liked those. In high school, she had reduced a teacher to tears... things hadn't improved since then. She had a sharp tongue on her. If she'd been born two centuries earlier, no man would marry her.   
  
Juri came back out with the formal tea set and I felt the lump in the pit of my stomach grow even larger. This was bad. She was bringing out the big guns.  
  
I'm not a coward; there's few things in this world I really fear. Only two come immediately to mind- one is Kozue (much as I love my sister, I would have to be crazy not to be scared of what trouble she'll get into next, since I'm the one who always invariable bails her out), and the other is Arisugawa Juri.  
  
Anyone with half a brain should be afraid of Juri when she's annoyed about something, and she was annoyed with me. She was hiding it behind a screen of formality, but I knew that when she had me relaxed, she would pounce. The question was when, and if she'd leave enough of me to get myself home.  
  
Finally she set the fragile cup down and looked at me with measuring aqua eyes. I wasn't sure what she was expecting, so I set my cup down as well (to keep from spilling the hot tea all over myself) and waiting patiently.  
  
She was still my sempai, after all.  
  
She spoke after what seemed to be a moment of eternity. "Lots of people have wanted to slap Kiryuu Nanami, myself among them. I never would have thought that you would be the one to finally do it." She was at her driest, and I was barely able keep from lifting a hand to loosen the collar which was suddenly choking me. "I assume you had reason?"   
  
"I-I..." I stuttered, feeling a flush creep up my cheeks. I was always lousy at explaining myself.  
  
"Start slowly," she advised.  
  
I took a deep breath, the way my singing teachers had always taught me. Deep in through the diaphragm, feel the ribcage expand, then concentrate. The old practice soothed me and I met her eyes steadily.   
  
"Juri, what do you remember of my seventh grade year?" I demanded.  
  
She blinked, apparently wondering where this was going. "Well, we were on the Student Council together. Touga got sick, Nanami filled in for him, Saionji got expelled then readmitted-"  
  
"Juri, what did the student council do?" I pressed.  
  
"The normal things a student council does. I can't believe you hit Nanami over a grudge from seventh grade."  
  
"Juri, Nanami gave me the Sword of Dios," I said grimly.  
  
She didn't appear to have heard me. "What?"  
  
"She gave me the Sword of Dios," I said softly, "or something so close to it that I couldn't tell the difference."  
  
Her eyes were uncomprehending. "What are you talking about?"  
  
I couldn't believe what I did next. I leaned across the table and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to meet my eyes. My fingers dug deeply into her tender skin, and I knew I was leaving bruises behind, but I couldn't find it in my heart to give a damn. This was JURI, and for her to look at me like a mindless doll hurt something deep inside my soul. I shook her, and she stared at me in amazement. She had never seen me so violent. I was gentle, soft-spoken Miki, after all. "SNAP OUT OF IT!" I commanded, raising my voice. "You know what I'm talking about!"  
  
She flinched, and I was pained to see the confusion in her eyes. Juri pulled away from me with enough force to send me off-balance, and I barely caught myself before crashing into the table. She clenched her forehead as though it was paining her greatly. She whimpered, and tears started to form at the corner of her eyes.  
  
Juri never cried. I admit to being frightened.  
  
"Juri, I'm sorry..." I whispered.  
  
"Ruka... forgive me, God. I can't believe I forgot Ruka...." The tears spilled over and trailed down her pale cheeks. She looked up at me then, and I was amazed at the deep sorrow there. "Miki... how could I forget Ruka?" she demanded.  
  
"Perhaps that was your miracle," I said softly. "To forget your pain. After all, you didn't think about Shiori either, did you?"  
  
She wiped her eyes with the silken sleeve of her robe, then looked at me with her composed face. Her moment of weakness was over with like it had never been, and I realized that I had seen something special. If Juri hadn't trusted me completely, I never would have seen it. I was perhaps the only living person who had ever seen Juri look so weak.   
  
"Why couldn't you leave the past where it was?" she demanded.  
  
"Don't you dream? Nanami complained of dreams. I don't know about you, Juri, but sometimes I wonder if I'm going mad...."  
  
"Orange roses... an elevator... a girl who believes in miracles..." she whispered, her eyes focusing on something that I couldn't see.  
  
"We all remember roses... and we all remember a girl. What's her name?" I demanded, looking at my closest friend intently.  
  
Juri's brow furrowed as she tried to dredge up the memory. "I can't remember," she confessed, and for her, that was a remarkable concession. Juri was smart; not as smart as I was, but smart enough that she rarely forgot anything.   
  
"Neither can I, nor can Nanami. All I know is that I SHOULD remember her. And then... Nanami gave me a sword... a cursed sword that brings only despair. The Sword of Dios."  
  
"Dios... God..." she whispered.  
  
"No, he wasn't," I said softly. "People wanted him to be, but he was only a prince." I blinked as I remembered that. "But he held much power."  
  
"It was almost enough," she whispered in return.  
  
"But almost doesn't save you from the swords of humanity's hatred that seek to pierce you," I continued.  
  
"Almost won't stop the descent into darkness."  
  
"Almost won't stop you from seeing the Ends of the World."  
  
We blinked at each other for a second, then Juri rose. "I have a photo shoot tomorrow so I should be getting to bed. Miki, stay in the guest room- I don't want you driving home when you're this rattled. We can talk tomorrow."  
  
I agreed easily enough.   
  
  
*00:22:69*  
  
  
I stayed over frequently enough to leave spare clothing there, for which I was devoutly grateful as I slipped out of my formal suit. After calling Kozue to let her know my whereabouts, I went into the spare room and settled down in the bed, trying to clear my mind. I needed sleep to reconcile my new memories, and perhaps remember more.  
  
My dreams that night were full of vivid images, and I fenced under the upside-down castle. I had a sword pulled from my body by Kozue twice- once willingly, once not. Twice I failed to achieve my goal, yet each time, I look into blue eyes that stared at me with compassion.  
  
Eyes so blue...  
  
I bolted upright out of a dead sleep as I finally fit the last piece together.   
  
The Duels....  
  
I had been a duelist, fighting for the power to revolutionize the world..   
  
  
*00:10:00*  
  
  
Her name… her name had been Tenjou Utena.  
  
And she had changed the world through her absence. Without her around, life had lost some of its beauty, and the world had lost a prince. And I had lost my shining thing, though I hadn't realized it.  
  
  
*00:00:00*  
  
  
I want her back.  
  
END PART ONE 


	2. Illusory Light

Quicksilver's Quill Offers:  
Afterimage  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
standard disclaimers  
AN: Thanks to Lyra Stormrider for concept editing, and Alan Harnum for thorough shredding. It's very appreciated. C&C are encouraged.  
Dedicated to Gerald Tarrant, who some would say is my better half. This part also gets a special nod to Ekaterina for all the kicks in the rear she supplied.  
Part Two: Illusory Light  
  
I didn't believe in miracles when I was younger.  
  
After all, what is a miracle? An event that cannot be explained by nature, at least by one definition. When I was young, a confused teenager fighting a battle against the sorrow and despair that was trying to overwhelm me, I would say this often, daring someone to prove me wrong.  
  
Perhaps my bitterness stems from my childhood. I was born not only wealthy, but beautiful. My mother would often fuss over me, making sure my hair curled right, that my clothes were clean, that I wore a pleasant expression. I can still hear her voice even to this day:  
  
"Stand up straight, Juri! A good posture leads to a good figure!"  
  
"Juri, dear, remember to brush your hair a hundred times. It will help make it grow faster."  
  
"Really, darling, you can't go to the concert. You need to get sleep early so you don't get wrinkles."  
  
My mother was obsessed with my beauty. She taught me that it was a tool to advance myself, not a burden to be borne. I must not squander my precious youth, she had told me, for it would only take an instant for life to pass me by if I was not careful.  
  
My was a beautiful but bitter woman. My father left her for another woman while she was carrying me, and I don't think she ever forgave me and my sister for ruining her perfect figure. Never mind that I never chose to be conceived; often times, I think that it might be better if I had not. It's a heavy burden to bear, doubting the purpose of your existence.  
  
Doubting your right to exist.  
  
Unlike Miki. Miki has always had a cause, had a reason for existing. He exists because Kozue needs him, and he exists because eventually, many others will as well. I see within him that spark of virtue that will draw those others to him, and he has the gifts they will need. Their faith in him will not be misplaced.   
  
Even though I had sent him to bed, claiming I had a modeling job early the next morning, I did not immediately go to sleep. My mind lay heavy with memories, of pain that I had forgotten.   
  
Shiori.  
  
Ruka.  
  
Her.  
  
Who was she?  
  
A girl who believed in miracles….  
  
I shook my head, trying to dismiss the thoughts that had returned to me without my consent. For the past five years, I had been at peace with myself, only to have that false serenity shattered by the least likely source. Miki had called me back to myself and I wasn't sure how to take it.  
  
He hadn't wanted to remember either, yet he had thoughtlessly propelled me back into the anguish of my teenage years. Part of me wanted to get even, but I knew that Miki never would have done anything intentionally to me. He was too soft hearted.  
  
When I was this upset, there was only one thing to do- take one of my showers. It would relax me, and I always found it easier to organize my thoughts under the steady beat of hot water.  
  
I'm not sure where my obsession with showering comes from, but I do know that whenever I get upset, my first instinct is to go take a shower hot enough to turn me into an imitation lobster. I've invested quite a bit of money in my bathing facilities because of it.  
  
My hair had lost its trademark curls by the time I stepped out of the shower, yet I was no closer to any kind of answer then I had been before. Wrapping a light satin robe around myself, I was just about to use the blow-dryer when the phone rang.  
  
I picked up the bathroom extension, wondering who would be calling me at this hour of the night. It was nearly 1 AM and I had to be at my photo shoot by eight. I muttered a greeting, not feeling like talking, and silently promising myself that if the call wasn't life or death, I would get violent.  
  
"Is Miki there?"   
  
"Nanami?" I asked, surprised to hear her on the other end. She hadn't even bothered to greet me.  
  
"Yes, Juri-sempai," she said. "Where's Miki? I spoke to Kozue and she said he was staying there for the night." A note of suspicion entered her soprano.  
  
"He's here, but I'm not going to let you talk to him," I said sharply. I would protect Miki... protect his precious innocence. Nanami was up to something, and I refused to let her entangle us -him- in the web that Ohtori was. We had escaped; there would be no going back.  
  
"Juri… he slapped me!" she said.  
  
"You certainly deserved it. How dare you give him the Sword of Dios?" I demanded. "You're lucky he didn't try to kill you. Don't you know anything? Don't you know what that did to him? He was at peace, finally, and you go and disrupt it in another of your madcap schemes!"  
  
She spoke softly into the receiver, so softly that I had to strain to hear her. "The last thing on Earth I want to do is hurt Miki."  
  
"You did, Nanami. You tore the foundation out from underneath him. I won't forgive you for that."  
  
"I won't forgive myself," she replied, her voice stronger this time. "I never wanted to do anything to Miki, but… I can't live like this anymore."  
  
I clenched the phone in my hand so tightly that I'm surprised that it didn't break. "It's all about you, isn't it?"  
  
"No," she whispered. "It's about the truth. The truth of who we are. These gaps in my memory, these feelings of emptiness… we gained peace, but at what cost? The erasure of our memories? Juri… proud Juri… that means we lost ourselves. We're merely shadows on a wall, no longer capable of being complete people. It is the sum of our memories that make up ourselves, and when we lack those memories, we no longer can claim to be human." A remarkably philosophical discourse from a girl who had barely graduated high school, but then, Nanami was always full of surprises. She wouldn't have been a Duelist if she was simple.  
  
Duelist…. Now what was a Duelist?  
  
I was unaware I had said that aloud until Nanami answered me. "A Duelist is one who fights for the revolution of the world, one who fights for… the rest of their being. I think. I'm not sure. I still can't remember everything, but I remember an Arena, and fighting with swords. Isn't that funny? I never knew how to fight, unlike the rest of you. Still, I was one of you."  
  
"One of whom?" I demanded angrily. "You were an afterthought," I said cruelly. "You were never a real member of the council- you just filled in for Touga when he got ill."  
  
"Touga was my other self!" Nanami declared.   
  
"And that's what this is about, isn't it? It's about Touga. As usual. You want him back. It's been- what? Three years since he moved away?"  
  
"Three and a half. But this isn't about Touga. I've grown since them."  
  
"You'll never outgrow Touga. You want him back, and you're using Miki in some Machiavellian scheme to get him. You're risking everything, creating some scheme to drag us all together."  
  
"I didn't start it!"  
  
"Nanami... where did you get the Sword?" I asked. This question had been plaguing me ever since Miki had told me what she had given him.  
  
"I'll tell you tomorrow. Dinner, my place, seven. Bring Miki." Then she had the gall to hang up on me. I couldn't believe her nerve.  
  
I was left staring at the receiver, which was beeping annoyingly at me. The little... brat had gotten the better of me. No one EVER got the better of Arisagawa Juri! I was seething as I opened the guest room to check on Miki. He had been so upset earlier that I was worried.  
  
Miki lay sprawled carelessly on the bed, his slender body taking up an unbelievable amount of space. His chest was rising and falling in a deep, even pattern, and I smiled at how young he looked. Even though he was taller then I was now, he still seemed like a little brother. Leaning over his bed, I brushed a kiss against his forehead, hoping to ward of bad dreams- or bad memories. I wasn't sure which. This time, I would protect someone who was worth it.  
  
I'm not sure how many sleeping pills I grabbed. Not more then five, I would think, but definitely more then the reccommended dose. I would have worked on the brandy I kept in the cupboard, but I didn't need the hangover. God, the last thing I needed on top of everything was to get a reputation as an alcoholic. Still, the pills gave me a few hours of blissful unconsciousness, a few hours where I didn't have to think about the whole mess my life was becoming.  
  
Damn Nanami anyway. Miki and I had been free- why did she have to drag us back into Ohtori? None of us would be at peace until we had the answers, yet those answers were costly.  
  
If there was one thing my time on the Student Council had taught me, it was that everything worthwhile had a cost. We had already paid for peace, in blood and tears, but Nanami had yanked it away in her childish fashion.  
  
All too soon, my alarm was going off, and I forced myself to my feet, hating the bright light which peered under the curtains. At that moment, I would have gladly gone to the Ends of the World if it meant I could have had a little more sleep.  
  
The Ends of the World… I should know what that was, exactly. There is nothing worth seeing that. No devil's bargain. I sometimes think too rashly, for there is no telling where the devil may lurk, or when he may claim careless words as a contract.  
  
I got dressed quickly and was out the door before Miki awakened. He knew my apartment well enough not to feel deserted; he'd often come by when Kozue had hinted that she wanted her "privacy" for an evening.   
  
The shoot was a normal one, and I went through the routine motions, though my mind was elsewhere. Obviously I would have to meet with Nanami, but there was no way I would bring Miki along. She'd messed him up enough for a year; she would not have the chance to do so again. Not if I had anything to say about it.   
  
I mentally tallied what little information I had. Nanami was returning to her habits of the past, causing trouble when there should be none. She had the Sword of Dios in her possession (how I wish Miki had had maintained the presence of mind to take it with him when he stormed out!), was wearing her Rose Signet as though it meant something, and was forcing Miki and myself to confront the fact that we had been Duelists.   
  
All and all, it didn't add up to a very pleasant picture. Nanami had just left Ohtori- was it possible that Akio was still pulling the strings, acting the part of temptation?   
  
A slight frown marred my features, and I was immediately chastised by a variety of sources. My makeup artist hastily fixed the damage I had wrought, and the photographer reminded me that time was money, and that he thought I was a professional and oh just STOP it Juri or the entire team would spend an entire day on an assignment that should only take a few hours.   
  
It took entirely too long, but we finally wrapped up, and I hurried home, relieved that it was only noon. I'd be able to get a few more hours of sleep. It was with great relief that I made it to the front of my door. Opening it, my eyes widened as I saw Miki sitting tensely on the couch, apparently waiting for me. He focused his bluer-then-blue eyes on my surprised face, then said something that caused my world to start spinning again.  
  
"Her name was Tenjou Utena, and she brought the world revolution," he told me.  
  
I then did something I never did before. I pitched forward in a dead faint.  
  
I came to lying on the couch, Miki watching me with a guilty expression. "I'm sorry," he said contritely. "I should have thought of that," he admitted to me. "Shock."  
  
"I'm fine," I assured him.  
  
"Don't lie to me," he said, looking at me with wounded eyes. "We've known each other for far too long for that."  
  
I smiled at him, then squeezed his hand in apology. To my surprise, I felt the cool touch of metal, and I swallowed a gasp before it came to life. Miki didn't wear rings on his hands; he was too practical a person. The last time he had worn a ring had been...  
  
He raised his hand to confirm what I had feared.   
  
"I once read a book, an English book, by C.S. Lewis. Did you ever read the Chronicles of Narnia?" he asked me in a dreamy tone. His eyes were vague and I wondered where his attention was.  
  
"I read them a long time ago," I answered.  
  
"Remember that part where Aslan says, 'Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen of Narnia?"  
  
"Vaguely." I couldn't, for the life of me, follow his train of thought.  
  
"I think being a Duelist is something like that. It's not a job, something you can quit. It's something you ARE." His fingers toyed with the Rose signet on his hand, and I was a little amazed that it still fit him after all these years.   
  
"Miki... can't you let go?" I practically begged him. Please, let me protect him, I prayed to a God I wasn't even sure I believed in.  
  
His eyes were determined, and he shook his head. "Juri, we've stagnated. You and I -we're almost frozen in time. Neither of us has done anything except what we were suppose to. Whatever happened to our dreams?"  
  
"We're each where we wanted to be," I reminded him.  
  
"It's too pat. Neither of us had to work for it. It was as though it was given to us on a silver platter, and we never for a second questioned why it all came so easily. Duelists don't just follow the common path. We're unique, and powerful. It's almost as if we were being handed a conciliation prize."  
  
I thought for a second. I had modeled all through high school, and Miki had always been a brilliant student. Our current careers were exactly what people would have expected us to be- Miki would soon begin to teach math on the university level, and my face was famous enough that I had to wear sunglasses if I didn't want to be recognized. "You're right. I'm not happy. But there's little to do about that."  
  
Miki smiled at me, and my breath caught. It was as though I was seeing him with new eyes, and the memory of changes came upon me.  
  
Since the Duels, he had grown up. At eighteen, he was finally an adult in body as well as mind. For the first time I was aware of how far I had to tilt my head up whenever I wanted to meet his eyes, how his voice had deepened into a pleasant tenor, how his face had refined into that of a man. He wasn't my kohai anymore; he was my equal.  
  
Miki seemed unaware of the revelation I was experiencing. "Yes, you can. Take back your normal self," he encouraged, opening his hand.  
  
In his palm was the Rose Signet that had been mine.  
  
"Where did you get that?" I whispered, my thoughts still jumbled together. In the last twenty-four hours the safe world I had grown accustomed to had changed dramatically, and even Miki, whom I had always been comfortable with, had taken on an aura of the unknown.  
  
"I'm sorry. I went through your jewelry box- it was buried at the bottom. The WAYYYY bottom. I never knew you had so much jewelry." I could tell from his tone that he was trying to tease me.  
  
I reached out, feeling unsteady. The second I thought it, I felt a flash of… something: an emotion, a feeling, a sense of being. This was what I had been searching for, and all the time it had been right before me.   
  
"Take back the real me," I murmured. "Take back my true self."   
  
The ring slid easily onto my finger, and felt right there. I was Arisagawa Juri, a Duelist. "Sub Rosa," I murmured.  
  
Miki nodded his head, showing his appreciation. "Latin. Under the Rose."  
  
"Somewhere where we'll always be," I said. "They used to have roses on Catholic Confessionals. Going to confession was always 'Sub Rosa.' Will you be my confidant?"   
  
"As I have always been," he murmured.  
  
"It's time. The revolution has finally come, for our eyes have finally been unveiled."  
  
"Where to now?" he asked.  
  
"Where else? We follow the path that Utena has taken before us."  
  
"But where is she?"  
  
I wavered. I would be meeting Nanami, but did I really want to let Miki get involved?  
  
He stood and looked down on me. "Juri… you're hiding something. I can see it."  
  
He knew me too well. "Nanami arranged a meeting with me."  
  
"With us," he corrected.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nanami gave me the Sword of Dios. She's not going to let go now. She means for both of us to be involved."  
  
I lowered my eyes. "Miki…"  
  
"You trust me as your confidant, but won't you trust me to judge for myself?"  
  
"Yes, I trust you…"  
  
"Then we go. What time, and where?"  
  
"Seven, at her place."  
  
"I'll meet you here at six thirty. We'll drive over together."  
  
Then he hugged me briefly, and left the room. I watched him go, wondering.  
  
When I was young, I always claimed not to believe in miracles.  
  
I've learned, though.   
  
Utena, I've learned. I do believe in miracles. My problem was that I sought the wrong meaning; a miracle is something that inspires awe and wonder, not something that is impossible.  
  
You were my miracle, Utena. Won't you come back to me?  
  
END PART TWO  
Up Next:   
Part Three: Scales of Mystery  
Nanami (shhhh, Alan.... I'll be good!) 


	3. Scales of Mystery

Aishuu Offers  
Afterimage  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: Shoujo Kakumei Utena - la fillette revolutionnaire" (C) Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito/Shogakukan, Shokaku Iinkai, TV Tokyo. The US version "Revolutionary Girl Utena" is (C) Central Park Media.  
AN: Dedicated to Gerald Tarrant, who some would say is my better half.   
  
Credit where credit is due. This monster fic needs a lot of help, and I've been blessed by some wonderful people:  
Ekaterina- concept editing  
Lyra Stormrider- initial editor  
Charles Werness- technical editor   
Allyn Yonge- editor  
*******************************  
  
Part Three: Scales of Mystery  
  
  
I always wanted to be someone special.  
  
For a while, I sought this through my oniisama...after all, he is perfection in male form. No one else has ever come close to making me doubt that...or so I believed for the longest time.  
  
I lived in a dream world for most of my younger years, possessively jealous of my oniisama's affection. He didn't need any of the hussies who draped their bodies over him; they didn't love him like I did. They didn't know what made him happy. They wouldn't give him what he needed in the long run - only I could do that. Only I knew the real Kiryuu Touga.  
  
Then things changed.   
  
Touga graduated from Ohtori Academy; after two years at the University there, he chose to continue his education at a different school, claiming that Ohtori simply wasn't the right place for him.  
  
"Nanami, I'm sorry, but… Ohtori isn't where I belong anymore."  
  
"But oniisama!" I protested. "Ohtori has one of the best university curriculums in the country! You can't be serious!" I placed my hands on his chest, as though that could stop him from leaving. He simply didn't know how much I needed him to stay. How much my definition of myself depended on him. He simply didn't understand how much my very existence was balanced upon his presence. Without him, I was… ordinary.  
  
He looked down at me, and his eyes held that gentle light that Touga only ever showed me. Many people claimed I was a parasite, feeding off his glory, but that wasn't true. Touga loved me; he needed to know that no matter what, I would always be there for him. The other women in his life would come and go, but I was eternal. With a graceful hand he brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes; his face was determined, yet gentle. He was trying to think of a way to tell me something I didn't want to hear. I knew every nuance of his expressions by heart.  
  
"Nanami, this place is like a cage to me now," he said, raking the hand now through his red hair, red as blood, redder then the reddest rose. "I don't know why that happened, or when my perspective changed, but it has. I must shatter the cage and find something else - something different.. Nanami," he paused, the second hanging eternally between us, "you'll understand someday."  
  
A shuddering sob wracked my body in response to his gentle explanation, and then another. I fell forward into Touga's arms - the arms that had always been there when I needed them; the arms that were soon to be taken away - and cried until it felt like I had shed all the tears I had to shed. My fingers gripped his pristine white uniform tightly, but there was nothing I could do aside from mourn. He held me tightly as I cried; for some reason, that just made things worse.  
  
I tried to delude myself, tried to deny the reality of his leaving until the day of departure by telling myself that he really wouldn't go, that he really wouldn't set foot on the train to Tokyo; yet he did. He waved to me once from his window, and then never looked back.  
  
Without Touga…Life without Touga.  
  
Touga was gone.  
  
There were so many ways I could have put it, but it all boiled down to the same thing: Touga was gone. He had stepped beyond my reality. Even when he came home, I could only catch fleeting glimpses of him.  
  
Still, I learned the hard way that life went on, no matter how I may have detested that fact.   
  
I went into my next class with my usual coterie of admirers. No one was special to me, though. Miki might have been, but the year Juri left, he took a pass as well, transferring into some college of a name I can't remember. He was doing something with mathematics I couldn't even begin to understand, which was a pity. He had been such a wonderful musician - I wondered why he didn't become an actual professional. He had always been lauded as a child prodigy, and it was a tragedy indeed for him to not use and develop his talent.  
  
It made me sad. If I had been able to play even a fraction as well as he, I would have given up all other pursuits. Then again, he was so talented at everything he tried that I couldn't help but be jealous. I wished that I wasn't...ordinary. Couldn't I have someone care for me as Nanami rather than as Touga's little sister? Wasn't there someone who could understand my loneliness, and perhaps soothe it somewhat?  
  
It was tenth grade before I found one of my answers, and it came in startling shape. That year, Kaoru Kozue walked into my life.  
  
I had known about her since we were very young - there were few families as wealthy as ours, and fewer still had children our age. Still, we had never had much to do with each other. She had been wrapped up in her brother, and I in mine. As we aged, she had become more outlandish and promiscuous, as well as one of the few girls in school who didn't want to be a part of my retinue. It wasn't that we disliked each other; we merely had nothing to talk about  
  
I became aware of her slowly. For a few weeks I felt like someone was watching me. I assumed, naturally enough, that it was another male admirer, or perhaps even Tsuwabuki cutting class to be closer to me.   
  
Since Tsuwabuki had taken Miki's place on Student Council (quite an accomplishment for a fifth grader!) he had become too busy to serve as my lackey. We were still close - as close as I let anyone, at least. Every now and then he would make me a lunch, surprise me with a flower, or do something else special, but those times were becoming fewer and further between.  
  
I wouldn't admit it, but I missed him. Part of me hoped it was him who was watching me.  
  
Then there came a day when I was able to shake off Keiko, Yuuko, and Aiko to spend some time by myself in the greenhouse. I was tired of having them praise my every decision without thinking for themselves - their mindless devotion was irritating. I didn't trust them as far as I could throw them. As for the greenhouse, well, it has always been a place that has raised ambivalent feelings in me. I don't know why.   
  
I wandered among the roses, drawn to the yellow ones. They were so pretty, but that wasn't the only reason they appealed to me. Every year on my birthday, my parents would send me a bouquet of two-dozen yellow roses - the only gift I would receive from them.  
  
"You seem uncomfortable here," a voice said, and I spun around, meeting the person who had been shadowing me. "I wonder why you keep coming back?"  
  
My eyes widened as I recognized the girl on sight. "Kozue?" I asked, surprised.   
  
She was perched on an overturned flowerpot, her slender legs stretched out before her, crossed demurely at the ankles. In her left hand she was twisting a white rose that she had apparently plucked. She reminded me of her brother - he was always eerily perceptive at the weirdest moments. "Hello, Nanami," she said, smiling at me. "I've been watching you lately."  
  
"It was you?" I asked, shocked.   
  
Her smile was shy, rather then sly as I had been expecting. "Yes."  
  
"Why?" I demanded. She wasn't the type to want to become one of my followers.  
  
"I'll tell you tonight." She tossed me the rose she had been holding. "I'll meet you tonight at your house."  
  
"And why should I go along with your whim?" I demanded.  
  
Kozue's smile widened slightly. "Because you're curious." She came to her feet with practiced grace and left. I was so shocked that I couldn't think up a decent retort before she left. What shocked me most was the fact that she was right. I was curious.  
  
She hadn't mentioned what time I was to expect her, and that annoyed me as I worked on my homework later that evening. Hour after hour passed, until I looked at the clock to see that it was nearly eleven. I was about ready to call it quits and go to bed when the doorbell rang and my butler showed her in.  
  
Kozue stood silhouetted in the doorway for a second before entering. She was wearing simple clothes that flattered her figure and coloring well - a short lavender skirt paired with a light yellow sweater. On her feet was a pair of three-inch heels that made me wince to see. Usually they wouldn't bother me - I'd wear them myself - but the time of the day made me think of the potential backaches associated with heels. I ignored my random thoughts, focusing on the issue. "Well, Kozue? Are you going to tell me what's up?"  
  
Kozue advanced on me until she could trace my face gingerly with the very tips on her fingers, so lightly that I barely felt her touch. My breathing quickened in surprise as she tugged me closer and rested her head against my shoulder. I smelled the light jasmine fragrance of her hair and wondered why it felt like the other half of my soul was embracing me. Suddenly, it hit me: Kozue was someone who could understand. She was someone as alone as I.  
  
"Kozue..." I whispered, trying to find something to say that wouldn't sound too idiotic. I hate idiots, especially when I'm one myself.  
  
She pressed closer, and before I realized what was happening, I lost my balance. We fell, her arms still locked around me, and plopped onto the couch. She snuggled on top of me like a child seeking reassurance. "Nanami, you know," she whispered, and I felt a warm moisture against my collarbone - the warmth of tears.  
  
And I did know. She didn't have to say anything else. I automatically locked her in an embrace, and we lay there for a while, listening to each other's heartbeats.   
  
"Will it ever get better?" she asked.  
  
"Not until we can live without the regret," I said bitterly. "Sometimes I think it'd be better to never have been his sister then to know this pain," I took a deep breath, and then my voice softened as I continued, "and then I remember him saying my name, and I curse myself for ever regretting a moment."  
  
"At least Miki still lives with me," Kozue said. She spoke against my chest, and I half-felt the vibration of her words throughout my torso.  
  
"Yes, at least you still have that," I replied, managing not to sound too jealous. "But I bet it's worse in a way."  
  
"It is," she said. "He's not mine anymore; I can't understand what he is.  
  
"When I was little, Miki and I did everything together. He's always been shy, so I've protected him his entire life. Usually with twins there's a dominant one, and most people automatically assumed that I was it. I would take the lead, and he would follow. Or so it seemed.  
  
"I've always been in Miki's shadow. I don't mind, honestly. I wouldn't know what to with talent, anyway. He can do anything - he's an eidetic, a savant. He's not just a genius, Nanami; he's so intelligent that he's already been offered dozens of jobs. College is just a formality - I think he's doing it because that's what is expected.  
  
"I held him back. Miki wouldn't leave me. He waited as long as he could, stayed at Ohtori for me, but he finally ran out of classes. My father finally forced him to leave last year - he said that Ohtori didn't offer the specialized education Miki was entitled to. He was right, of course."  
  
She sniffled slightly, and I petted her hair reassuringly. "Miki could have gone anywhere, done anything - he was seriously considering Julliard, but he didn't go. He stayed here to be near me - he doesn't need me anymore, Nanami, but he knows I need him."  
  
She lay on top of me for another moment before I was able to shift her slightly so that she wasn't weighing me down anymore. She allowed it, but maintained a loose grip as she snuggled close to my side. I petted her hair a few times, and suddenly realized that it had been a long day, and that I was tired. Almost unconsciously, my eyelids drifted shut, and I was lulled to sleep by the even rhythm of Kozue's breathing.  
  
It was the sweetest night's sleep I ever remember having.  
  
After that, Kozue was the only one I could find comfort in. We weren't lovers; no, physical intimacy paled beside what we had. What we had was a link between souls, a knowledge that someone the other understood what it was like to be in the shadow of a brother who was so much more then she or I could ever hope to be.  
  
She would come to my house sometimes and do nothing but cry. Miki wasn't cruel to her; Miki was incapable of that. No, she was cruel to herself, wallowing in her self-perceived inadequacy. Other times she would arrive to drag me out and party all night. Though I wondered where she had procured the fake ID, I didn't ask. Sometimes it was best to just accept. I learned quickly not to condemn her, not even for her most outrageous exploits, for she would only become more outlandish and take chances that were downright dangerous. As I remember it, it amazes me how lucky we were.   
  
It may sound like she was a parasite, latching onto me, but she wasn't. I, in return for my patience, received something just as valuable. She gave her friendship to me, and it was a precious gift. I had someone to speak to freely, someone who understood how I could love my brother almost to the point of obsession…someone who could care for me as an individual, yet still understand the ties that bound me so tightly Touga.  
  
I would have done anything for her, and she for me. She made me laugh at her wildness, and reminded me that life was a game, one not to be taken too seriously all the time. We would do everything together, and sometimes it seemed like she lived over at my house - I didn't get too close to hers, though, for I understood that it was still sacred. Miki lived there, sometimes, though I had never once run across him. Other times he would be away for days or even weeks at a time, though Kozue would never tell me why.  
  
So it wasn't a big surprise when Kozue called me over to her house one night to weeks before we were due to graduate. What I did find shocking, however, was that she told me that it was "urgent." Anyone who knew Kozue knew that she wouldn't consider Armageddon itself urgent, so, needless to say, I was concerned.  
  
I walked into her house without waiting to be let in. I found her in the living room and took a seat across from her, studying her pale face with concern.  
  
"Kozue?" I asked. "Did something happen?"  
  
She was nibbling on her lip nervously and her eyes looked haggard. "Last week, I received a package in the mail. I didn't think anything of it - after all, I am graduating, so I assumed it was some kind of gift."  
  
"Naturally enough. What was it? A spiteful little trinket from an old love?" God knew she certainly had enough of them, and not all of them had parted with her on the best of terms. Some would relish the chance to upset her.  
  
"I only wish." She shivered, even though the room felt almost tropical - the heat was cranked up so high that beads of sweat were forming on my brow. "It was something much worse."  
  
She bent down and slid something I hadn't noticed before from under the couch. It was a long, slender box made of a deep brown wood, a wood that almost had a tint of red to it. Her hands trembled as she placed it on the table between us. "It doesn't look like a bomb," I replied lightly, trying to soften the mood.  
  
"I guess you could call it one," she said softly. "It certainly blew my life to hell." She looked at me, her eyes heavily shadowed from lack of sleep.  
  
"Well, what IS it?" I demanded.  
  
"Heaven and Hell," she replied. "Salvation forged through damnation."  
  
I scowled at her, not in the mood for word games. Without waiting for permission, I reached over to open the box. She whimpered, but made no move to stop me. As soon as I lifted the lid, my mind exploded.  
  
A sword, nestled in a pile of yellow roses.   
  
Ambition...desire for escape from terrible knowledge.  
  
/You didn't seem like anything but a kind older brother./  
  
/That was just an act. My parents told me: "Think of her as your sister and treat her well." If not for that, there's no way I'd hang around her. That commonplace, boring woman.../  
  
Siblings entwined in each other arms, incestuous love, and my horrified reaction at the sight.  
  
/Are you and Touga-sama maybe not related by blood...?/  
  
My lackey, my friend, coming closer to me, too close, gazing at me with eyes that were shadowed with something that was far beyond either of us, a marionette.  
  
/W- Wait! That's too close, Tsuwabuki! Tsu- Tsuwabuki?/  
  
Pain. Terrible, dreadful pain. Physical, emotional...being spun around by forces I didn't even begin to understand.   
  
With a trembling hand, I picked the blade up. I had never held this before, and the blade felt awkward, not right, in my hands. I knew it on sight, though. The Sword of Dios...the sword that could grant the power to incite revolution, the power to change everything.  
  
The power to destroy a life…or save it.  
  
"Nanami? Nanami?" A voice spoke, seeming to come from a great distance. "Nanami!" A sharp sting across my face, and then I was aware of my surroundings.  
  
Kozue knelt before me, her hand still raised, prepared to deliver another slap should it prove necessary. Her eyes were locked on me, and I was reminded of her twin for a second. Her coloring had a slightly lavender edge to it, but otherwise it could have been Miki kneeling before me, worried about a friend.   
  
"Dios…" I whispered, dropping the sword like it was a snake.  
  
/I want to surpass everything./  
  
It /was/ a snake, the very snake that had tempted Eve with the forbidden fruit.  
  
"I'm so sorry…I shouldn't have…" Kozue said. "This is my problem. But when I saw it, I thought you might know what to do - I can't drag Miki into this - he'd never forgive me…"  
  
I smiled at her. "You did the right thing. I don't know who sent this to you, but they were wrong to. You barely had anything to do with it."  
  
"Do with what, exactly?" she asked. "I can't remember…something about seventh grade. And Miki…and the other members of the Student Council. You took Touga's place for a while, didn't you?"  
  
/It's all right, Oniisama. I'll look after the Student Council./  
  
/From now on, I will act as my brother's proxy./  
  
"Yes. But Miki will need to know."  
  
Her eyes were haunted. "I can't - I betrayed him somehow."  
  
I took her hand and squeezed it gently. "It will be alright, Kozue. I promise to do my best - I will treat him as though he were my own brother."  
  
She understood exactly what I meant by that promise. Only she could have understood what a firm vow that was. "Nanami..." Her eyes were full of reluctant relief. She hated putting this burden on me, but was relieved it wasn't hers to bear anymore.  
  
I smiled at her gently. "Let me take this. I'll deal with it," I promised.  
  
She squeezed my hand back in thanks, a grateful expression on her face.  
  
I had my chauffeur drive me home. All during the ride home, my mind was working automatically, starting to form plans.  
  
What could I do with it? The damn sword? Where was I to start?  
  
Touga.  
  
I could call oniisama.  
  
But...I didn't want to get him involved. And by that token, Saionji would be out as well - he and oniisama were too close. This was something I would do for myself, something to prove to myself that I didn't need him - that I could function without him.  
  
Juri? A possibility. Juri had always been clever, but she didn't like me. She would never agree to see me...the only one of the Student Council she had liked was Miki. We had all liked him.  
  
I blinked as it came to me. If I hooked Miki, then Juri would follow...she wouldn't be able to see him involved in Ohtori's past without trying to protect him. And it wouldn't be breaking my promise to Kozue, either; she would want Miki to know the truth, as I would tell oniisama once it was all done.  
  
So how to get Miki to talk to me? He must have been at least subconsciously - if not actively - avoiding me ever since leaving. So that meant...I'd need an excuse.  
  
My graduation party. He owed me a favor for the time I'd bailed Kozue out of jail (a rather interesting story; a misunderstanding, really), so he could play at my party. And then I'd give him the Sword of Dios, and see what resulted.  
  
As soon as I arrived home, I went upstairs to the room that contained my mementos. I had almost forgotten about it, but there was a certain ring that I'd carefully put away with Touga's senior yearbook, a ring that I now intended to reclaim.  
  
/Nanami, give me your left hand./  
  
/Oniisama.../  
  
I thought my hands had grown, along with the rest of me, but the ring still fit on my left hand perfectly. I stared at it, amazed at how the seal could be so simple and so intricate at the same time.  
  
/Have you forgotten, Nanami? The Rose Signet is the only piece of authentication that allows you to fight Duels here at the Academy. Now show me your power, as a chosen one of the "Ends of the World."/  
  
Two weeks of anxious preparation and weird dreams passed until the day of the party. I dreamt of a girl, a girl I hated and envied, kittens and yellows roses. I dreamt of Tsuwabuki and Keiko, oniisama and Saionji, Miki and Juri. I dreamt of a girl with purple hair from my seventh grade year, and our Chairman Ohtori Akio.  
  
The party went almost as well as I could have expected. I hadn't expected Miki to lose his temper and hit me - he had never been the violent type - but it happened.   
  
I called Kozue's house after the party to speak to Miki. She was rather surprised, but said Miki had spent the night at Juri's, as he often did.  
  
So I called Juri. After one of our infamous catfights, I made plans to see her at seven that day for dinner. Then I went to bed.  
  
The next day was one of the slowest I can remember - I kept checking the clock every fifteen minutes, wishing I had some way to make time go faster. The doorbell finally rang at almost eight that evening. I muttered as I went to get it. I should have let the butler get it, as had been my original intention, but I was too irritated to bother. As I swung it open I saw Juri and Miki standing there, and I could tell from the collected look on Juri's face that she had been late on purpose.  
  
"You're late," I said.  
  
Juri's eyes were cold. "So? I don't have to let you order me around." She stepped in, carrying herself like a queen. If I had believed in reincarnation, I would have wagered money that Juri had once been Cleopatra herself. Miki followed behind her, slightly subservient. His blue eyes flashed warningly at me, and I didn't snap the quick retort that was on my tongue. If Miki was in a bad mood - and I couldn't blame him for it - there would be no intermediary between Juri and myself. And Juri and I had never been the best of friends.  
  
"Dinner is waiting to be served," I said.  
  
"We ate before coming," Juri replied, apparently deciding to speak for Miki as well as herself.  
  
"I invited you for dinner," I said firmly. I wasn't giving ground to her this early in the game. "If you already ate, you can watch me eat while we have a civil conversation. You've not spoken to me in a while, you declined my invitation to my graduation party, and you've reacted in a hostile manner to every one of my overtures of friendship - so you're damn well going to behave like the civilized person I know you are, Arisugawa Juri!"  
  
She blinked at me, then nodded graciously. "Very well. We will eat first."  
  
I led them to dining room, and Miki, ever the gentleman, pulled out our seats for both of us and carefully made sure we were comfortable before taking his own place. His startling blue eyes watched me as I rang for the servants to bring the first course.  
  
Conversation was stilted. I tried to draw them both into discussion about themselves, but their one-word answers discouraged me from pressing. I didn't bring up the Student Council, and both of them seemed disinclined to as well, picking at their food.   
  
We were on the cheese course when Juri apparently decided she had had enough. "Nanami, where did you get the Sword of Dios?" Her voice contained the same frightening intensity that had once caused one of her weaker-willed teachers to quit his job in terror.  
  
I wasn't weak, though. I wouldn't be cowed by her - I was strong. "We'll discuss this after dinner," I told her firmly.   
  
She glared at me, but finished quickly. Juri's glower followed my movements as I went to the sideboard after finishing my own meal. "Would you like a drink, Juri-sempai? Perhaps a brandy?"  
  
"No. What I want is for you to stop avoiding the question and give me a straight answer."  
  
"Miki, a strawberry daiquiri, right?" I asked breezily, pretending not to hear her.  
  
"Nanami..." he said softly, his voice firm.  
  
I was pushing, and I knew it. "Wait for a second," I ordered, preparing three drinks - brandy for Juri, a strawberry daiquiri for Miki, and a red wine for myself. As the blender crushed the ice, I hummed quietly, ignoring their eyes on me. The drinks were ready all too soon, and I knew I had put the conversation off as long as possible.  
  
I placed the drinks on a tray and carried it over, setting it down on the coffee table after distributing beverages. "I think I remember what you guys liked - if I made a mistake, let me know."  
  
"Nanami!" Juri snapped. "We've had nothing but evasions from you all evening! Now you're going to give me some straight answers, or I will personally pull out all your hair, one strand at a time."   
  
I didn't doubt that she was quite capable of what she was threatening. Juri had never been one for idle threats. "Fine."  
  
"To start with, where in the world did you get the Sword of Dios?" she demanded.  
  
"I got it from Kozue - someone mailed it to her, and she gave it to me." I looked at Miki, watching for his reaction.  
  
"Kozue?" he whispered. "What does she have to do with any of this? Didn't they put her through enough?"  
  
"I don't know. But it was sent to HER, not one of us. When I saw it, everything came back to me."  
  
"So?" Juri demanded. "You should have let it lie! For all we know this is one of Akio's schemes…"  
  
"So?" I taunted back. "He managed to put a pretty good hole in our memories already - I say it's damn well time that we got them back!"  
  
Miki leaned back into the plush velvet, apparently still wise enough not to try to separate a brewing catfight.   
  
Juri, though, didn't retaliate. She looked at me angrily, then glanced down thoughtfully at the ring she once again wore on her hand, twisting it around a few times. "Now that I know, I can't go back to what I was. But I'm not grateful to you, Nanami. I was happy in my life." Her expression was wistful and pained.  
  
"Happy? How can you be happy not knowing who you are?" I snapped. "Without your memories you're not who you should be! We are shaped by the sum of our experiences!"  
  
"You've said that before."  
  
"And I'll say it again until you accept it as the truth! I do not lie, not even to myself!"  
  
"We're going to talk to Touga," Juri said. "And you're coming with us."  
  
"I-I…" This hadn't been what I was expecting.  
  
"None of us can beat Akio at his own game; if he was the one who sent the sword - and that's what I think is most likely - then it's damn likely Touga has some inkling why he's trying to pull us back into Ohtori's web. And if it wasn't Akio, then Touga would be my second guess," Miki said firmly.   
  
"I would have said…that girl sent it. Maybe she wanted to let us know she's alive out there, and looking for us."  
  
"Tenjou Utena, the Victor of the Duels," Juri said softly. "No. That's not her style. She would have confronted us directly - she was never one for subtlety. But perhaps Anshi…"  
  
For the second time, my head exploded. I was falling…. Falling…  
  
/It's your fault my brother got hurt! Your fault! I'll never let the likes of you have my brother!/  
  
Continuing the duel after I had lost, not caring about the rules.  
  
/This fight is for real, Tenjou Utena!/  
  
Her standing there, defending the witch. The long pink hair blowing in the wind, as she thoughtlessly won my brother's heart by simply being herself. My jealousy, and my determination to get her out of his life. Both of his lives.  
  
/Nanami... There's no need for you to fight anymore./  
  
"Nanami!!"  
  
Again, a sharp sting to my cheek, and I became aware of my surroundings. This time it had been Miki who had slapped me back to myself. I fleetingly wondered if there was something about the Kaoru twins and slapping me, since Kozue had slapped me once and this was the second time Miki had in less then a day's time.  
  
I stared into his worried blue eyes, eyes that reminded me of a girl with pink hair. A fierce girl who fought for what she believed in. "I'm okay, Miki. It's just that finally hearing Utena's name brought back a lot of memories…"  
  
"You were staring at nothing for five minutes, and nothing we did got your attention. I am sorry for hitting you this time," he said, placing special emphasis on this, "but I really didn't see any other option. Surely this isn't normal - you and I didn't react so badly," he stated, looking at Juri.  
  
Always Miki looked to Juri for answers.  
  
"We're all different," Juri said, shrugging. "Nanami may simply have repressed the memory more firmly then either of us."  
  
I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. "I don't want Touga involved," I stated stubbornly. "This is something I'm going to do for myself."  
  
"No, Nanami," Juri said firmly, "Touga's already involved. Are you going to contact him, or will it be me?"  
  
I was so tempted to let her do it, but I knew that would be cowardice on my part. "That won't be necessary. I will speak to him tonight."  
  
I will deal with Touga.  
  
I will call my oniisama on something that was a forgotten secret.  
  
/That simply...can't be. That my brother and I...aren't really siblings.../  
  
I will discover the truth.  
  
/It's cruel, not being siblings all of a sudden./  
  
I will find Utena.  
  
I will reclaim my past.  
  
I am coming for you, Tenjou Utena. I need to know who I was, so I can discover who I am. And you are the one who holds the key to that mystery.  
  
  
  
  
  
END PART THREE  
  
Up Next:  
Touga: Sealed Darkness  
  
Notes to Reviewers: Hope you liked, David Paul. Dee-chan, thanks for the great critique. And to those who asked about Utena... well, this is plotted for fifteen chapters. ^_~ And this is about the duelists primarily, not the Victor. 


	4. Sealed Darkness

Aishuu Offers:  
Afterimage  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: Shoujo Kakumei Utena - la fillette revolutionnaire" (C) Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito/Shogakukan, Shokaku Iinkai, TV Tokyo. The US version "Revolutionary Girl Utena" is (C) Central Park Media. Afterimage and all original characters and plot copyright 2001-3 by Aishuu Shadowweaver. Please ask permission before reposting.   
AN: Dedicated to Lyra, who loves Touga as much as I loath him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Part Four: Sealed Darkness   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
I am not the man I once was.  
  
That man -boy- is dead, as dead as the autumn leaves that fall to the ground in late October, their beauty faded and never to return. At times I mourn slightly for him, the sensual and self-assured youth who was determined to revolutionize the world, no matter the means he would have to use, but those times are few and far between. I believe I've grown wiser with age, and wisdom, while painful, is something never to be regretted.  
  
Sometimes I look back and wonder when it all changed. When did my perspective alter, and things I once valued become no more important than those autumn leaves buried under the snow? I've always been something of a ladies' man, but when I was younger, I couldn't even keep my girlfriends straight. They came through my life one after another, until their faces blurred in my memories and their names didn't matter.  
  
I loved women- their soft bodies embracing mine in passion, the way they begged for my attention, the way they did anything I asked of them. Having my way with the prettiest of them came as naturally to me as breathing, yet even locked in the throes of passion, I was distant from my partners.  
  
I never had a lover. Don't get me wrong, I had sex. Plenty of sex. Tall women, short women, young and old. As long as they were pretty, they were mine. But none of them ever touched me more then physically, no matter what they may have desired. I know sex and love are two very different things, and sometimes I wonder why I've never had the later. It's not that I'm incapable- merely that none of those women who paraded through my life was able to hold my attention.  
  
And neither did any of the men.  
  
That surprised some people- the fact that I didn't really care about gender. Pleasure is pleasure' it doesn't matter how it is achieved. I took whoever caught my attention, and they invariably bent to my wishes. I am the epitome of what a man should be, or so I have been told. I am handsome, talented, intelligent' I say that without vanity, for I believe in being aware of strength, as well as weakness.   
  
The only thing all my lovers had in common was that they were beautiful, physically. I couldn't stand to be touched by anyone who didn't have a blinding beauty- I never bothered to look beneath the skin to see their character, though, since I didn't want to know. None of them were what I was looking for, and if I didn't know them, I could pretend that my trysts meant more then sheer lust.  
  
No one loved me for I wasn't worth loving.  
  
Nanami thought she loved me above all else, but I knew that someday she would find someone else to take my place, even if she didn't want that to happen. She was my sister but I could not be everything she needed. Sometimes I thought that was a good thing- she was all I had in the world that I valued, so of course I had to distance myself from her. I didn't want to tarnish her with my shadow.  
  
University passed for me much like high school had- the studies were simple, and the people fell all over me, doing whatever I wanted. I was beautiful, I was rich, I was charismatic, popular and brilliant... I was everything everyone else wanted to have and be. But I was unsatisfied with my life, and I didn't know why. Inside of myself, I longed for something. I knew that there had to be more to life than what I was doing, but I couldn't figure out what.   
  
I went into my father's business, quickly taking over the helm of some of the more important companies. Under my guidance, their assets multiplied, but there was no challenge in it. It was easy for me, as everything in my life was.  
  
That was my story: everything coming to my hands, yet I remained unsatisfied.  
  
A year ago, I looked into a mirror, and realized I was bored. Bored of life, bored of always having success fall into my lap. There was something I wanted, something out of my reach... but I didn't know what it was. It frustrated me, and I was starting to doubt whether I would ever find that elusive thing to make my life worthwhile. As I stared at my face, I realized that nothing had changed for me. I was frozen in time, locked in some kind of stasis I couldn't break. Within me slumbered the dream of something great, but I couldn't realize it. There was something holding me back.  
  
Without conscious thought, my fist clenched, and I sent it through the mirror, sending the sparkling shards flying. I wanted to break the me I saw reflected in the mirror, break the shallow man I was. I wanted... more. I always wanted more. Blood dripped down my hand, and I stared at the bright crimson drops, wondering if there was an answer in them.  
  
My current lover, a foreign girl named Rachel, was the one who found me. She came running when she heard the glass shattering, and her shocked _expression amused me. I turned to her, my long red hair loose around my bare shoulders, an enticing sight, I'm quite sure, but for once I wasn't trying to seduce her.   
  
"Sometimes I think I'm going mad..." I whispered to her.  
  
She shook her head, her wide blue eyes glazing in shock. "Let me get some bandages, Touga...."  
  
I stared at the blood, which was running down in slow crimson streams, resembling the way my hair plastered against my skin in a fierce rainstorm. It was beautiful, and I barely felt the pain. Instead, I walked over to her, placing my hand against her pale cheek. She flinched a bit at the feel of the sticky substance against her face, but I bent to catch her lips with my own. "Don't bother," I whispered, before running my hand over her face, leaving a trail of blood on her features, following it with my tongue to taste the copper flavor it left behind.  
  
The sex was wonderful, some of the best sex I remember. There is something about blood and sex, something primal that stirred my instincts. But she left the next morning, and I was alone, left with a hand that burned from healing and a turbulent mind.   
  
I made no move to replace her with another lover.  
  
I hated my life, but I had no idea how to break my cage. I was trapped in a dance I had been groomed for since birth, and no matter which way I turned, I would forever be waltzing it. I was Kiryuu Touga, and I could not escape it. Learned patterns of behavior were such impossible things to break unconsciously. With Rachel gone, it took a conscious effort to learn not to think about sex and sensuality every moment. I would not find what I needed through the bedroom; I had tried and tried that, but my answers were not there. I was still considering my options months later, at loose ends...  
  
And then... Nanami graduated and with it, came Miki's return.  
  
Miki was not one of the people I had desired. His sister and I had, at one brief point, flirted with each other, but each of us had been pulled away from each other before a relationship had been consummated. I was relieved for that, because Kozue later became Nanami's closest friend, and that would have made things awkward between us. But Miki....  
  
Kaoru Miki made me uncomfortable, challenging me simply by being. He was everything I was but lacking my fault. He held my perfection and tempered it with purity. How could I desire him? Every time I saw him, I was forcibly reminded of my sins.  
  
But the night of Nanami's graduation party, I realized that underneath Miki's gentle nature, a storm was brewing. He slapped my sister, and though I didn't know why, I knew that something was moving. Our worlds were turning, and deep inside of me, I felt like the day was about to break.  
  
But they say the darkest hour is always before the dawn.  
  
Those next few days were the worst. I called Juri, demanding that Miki be held accountable for assaulting my sister, and then things were eerily quiet. I waited patiently, remembering how many times before I had set intricate plans in motion only to see them come to fruition months or years later. It wasn't until the third day, when I was in the middle of breakfast, that my butler ushered in Arisagawa Juri, with Kaoru Miki a step behind her. Nanami stood a few feet behind them, her eyes watching them in resignation.  
  
I set my cup of tea down. "Juri? Is there anything I can do for you?"  
  
The elegant woman stepped towards me, her long hair flowing entrancingly around her like a living cape. She had always been one of the few women I had respected as a person, yet had not lusted after. She was beautiful, stunning' all the things a woman wanted to see when she gazed into the mirror to see her reflection look back at her. Still, I realized that she couldn't be what I wanted. Inside, she was fragile. Saionji had teased me about letting a perfectly good dyke go to waste- after all, shouldn't I cure her of her misguided attraction to that purple-haired chit she had mooned about in high school?  
  
I had laughed. Juri wasn't a lesbian anymore then I was gay. She merely appreciated beauty in all its forms, and ignored the person's body to try to see the soul within. Usually she was perceptive, but she had a curious blindness towards Shiori that I found amusing.   
  
"We have some questions for you." Her voice was brisk and business like, but something in her aqua eyes seemed on the verge of combusting. There was fire in them, fire which had been missing the last few times we had encountered each other socially. I liked it, liked seeing her alive like that. It was like the spark that I had been missing had found its way into her, and maybe she would be able to ignite me as well.  
  
I tilted my head, wondering what she wanted. I hadn't anticipated being the focus of animosity, but I enjoyed it. I loved being the center of attention. "Oh?" I asked, tilting my head. "I have answers, but maybe they're not the ones to the questions you're looking for."     
  
The look on her face was priceless. Toying with Juri had been one of my favorite high school pastimes, after sex, and pretending to know more than I really did was a specialty of mine. I had no clue what she wanted, but there was no way I'd ever let her know that. They talk about a feminine mystique, but I had a mystique of my own to maintain.  
  
Nanami, though, looked at Juri and Miki. She smiled at them gently, "You promised me that I could speak to him," she told them, then came towards me. Her hand raised, and I noticed a ring on her finger flashing, one of the rings that members of the student council had been given. "Do you remember? You gave this to me, and asked me to show you my power?" she whispered.  
  
I blinked, staring hard at the ring. "I gave it to you when you took over for me," I told her. "Senior year, I got sick." That year... was so blurred... whenever I sent my thoughts towards it, I hit a mist, unable to recall.  Juri and Miki exchanged glanced. "He doesn't remember, Nanami," Juri said softly, turning to take a box from Miki I hadn't noticed the blue-haired man was carrying. "Touga, take this," she said. "It might trigger something."  
  
"No, oniisama, don't!" Nanami begged, trying to intercept the box Juri was handing my way.  
  
I raised an eyebrow curiously, as the box slipped into my hands. The lid was latched with an elaborate, but practically useless, engraved catch. "Why shouldn't I?"   
  
Nanami looked like she was ready to strangle Juri as she wheeled on the other women. "He doesn't remember. Leave him out of this!" she demanded angrily, clenching her small fists to her side.  
  
Surprisingly it was Miki, the quiet one, who answered. "Hush, Nanami," he ordered, his voice holding surprising authority. "He needs to do this." He placed a calming hand on her shoulder, which she glared at like it was a viper.  
  
I was too curious now to listen to her anyway. I opened the case, and the scent of roses wafted out, stirring vague memories. I gave roses to many women, often as a morning after present. The crimson petals were piled high, and I had to brush them aside to see a sword. The light flickered off the slender metal, and my head started to spin. I had held this sword before, once. I pulled it out, and memory returned.  
  
Roses even redder than the petals in the box, flying away from me as I lost, knocked away by a Victor. A man with white hair who showed me places no mortal should see. A platform where eternity was battled for' and a girl who refused me.  
  
The only girl who had ever refused me.  
  
"Oniisama?" Nanami whispered nervously, her soft voice shaking me out of my trance.  
  
"I carried this sword once, pretending to be a prince," I whispered. "But it was never really mine."  
  
"You don't want it. It's a malevolent object, the Sword of Dios'" Nanami said, bitterness lacing her words.  
  
"The Sword of Utena," I corrected. "She made it hers." I caressed the flat of the blade gently. "And if it was hers, it can't truly be evil- Utena didn't have any evil in her heart."  
  
"Didn't she?" Nanami asked. "She was seduced by Akio."  
  
I gave her a narrow look. "How do you know that?" I demanded. I hated the memory of Utena in his arms, but I couldn't deny it, as much as I wanted to.  
  
"She stayed with them, Anshi and Akio... the devil and the witch." Nanami's eyes flared. "I stayed with them! I saw..." Her direct gaze faltered, and then I watched her withdraw into herself.  
  
I remembered. I remembered then, the lies about my adoption. Stepping closer to her, I used the tips of my fingers to grasp her sharp chin in my hand so I could force her to meet my eyes. "Nanami... the lies back then were built upon a truth. I was adopted... but so were you. We were both sent to the Kiryuu residence together."   
  
She looked at me, and then her hand reached up to grip mine. I felt the cool press of her ring against my skin, and my eyes widened in surprise when she stepped back. "The cruelest lies are based off the truth, aren't they, oniisama?" she asked.  
  
I nodded slowly. "I should have told you back then, but I was young." I looked at her fair head, wondering why I had thought it romantic to torment her. It had been cruel, and if I had been a good brother, the kind of brother she deserved, I never would have thought of it. I would have protected her, as she deserved, as she believed I always would.   
  
I never would have let her become a Duelist.  
  
"We all were," she said softly.  
  
I glanced around at our gathering, realizing that we were still incomplete. "We're missing someone..." I looked at Nanami and Miki with tired, world-weary eyes. "I'm not the one with the answers you want," I told them. "Maybe Saionji would know something?" I suggested.  
  
Juri shook her head. "None of us remembered anything. It was only after we saw the sword that memories were triggered, and I don't think bringing Saionji in on this would be a good idea. He and Utena never got along."  
  
I thought on that for a minute. "I would like to talk to him anyway," I told them. I glanced down at the sword in my hand, feeling its comforting weight. I hadn't practiced kendo in ages, but this sword reminded me of the calluses I had lost. I would need to start practicing again, because...  
  
I started a bit at the train of my thoughts. Would I need to wield a sword, to seek the revolution?  
  
To seek her?  
  
I thought of her resolute blue eyes staring up at me, knowing that I would do anything to see them again. A smile played across my lips, before gently returning her sword back to the box. We won't be able to find you, Utena, but if we do, perhaps this time, you can have lunch with me. We can laugh at the old times, and forget about the pain of the past, I thought.  
  
"I'm going to see Saionji," I announced. I had to at least make the effort to close the book on this chapter of my life - perhaps that was what I needed. I had been frozen in stasis, never knowing that I had never moved forward from that rejection.  
  
Juri and Miki looked at me with mistrust, but Nanami came and helped me fasten the latch. "Do you want me to go with you?" she asked hesitantly.  
  
I shook my head. "I'll see him on my own," I told them. "None of you like Saionji, and he'll be hard enough to deal with as it is."  
  
Juri walked over to us, picking up the box with sure hands and handing it to me. "You don't like him, either. I don't know if it's a good idea..."  
  
I smiled at her, resisting the urge to pat her on the head like a child and assure her things would be all right. Saionji and I had an understanding, the kind only rivals could. He was my opposite as I was his. He would speak to me because he was unable to deny me and the challenge I represented. Rivals never truly let each other go; ours was an intense love that defied words.  
  
I turned to leave, holding the box in my hands. Miki, though, caught my should in a surprisingly strong hand, catching me off guard. I turned to look at him, and was surprised that he was almost tall enough to look me directly in the eyes. His face was too beautiful to be handsome, but as I stared at him, it dawned on me he wasn't the child who had Dueled for that shining thing he didn't understand.  
  
Kaoru Miki had grown up.  
  
"What do you want?" I grated out.  
  
His hand fell away, but his deep blue eyes remained on mine, unwavering from their goal. "I want you to come back when you're done talking to him and tell us what you've learned," he told me.  
  
A smile tugged at my lips. "What makes you think I won't?"  
  
He glanced over at the girls, before raising his hand to rest it on my chest directly over where my heart beat. "I know you, Touga. I know you know how to lie better than any of us," he said. "If we're going to find her, we need to work together." He pressed his fingertips deeply into my shirt, and I felt the implied threat. He wasn't a cub anymore, but a lion ready to show his fangs. "So come back, and tell us the truth of what you learn."  
  
My smile widened and I winked at him before disappearing out the door. I didn't know what to say, but I knew I didn't want to made any promises. If there was one think I had learned, it was the power of a promise, and not being able to keep one.     
  
Saionji's house was a half an hour away from mine. He had gone to a different college than I had, but we still met once a week for lunch usually to discuss everything from business and politics to our current projects, each carefully taunting the other without crossing that invisible line. There was nothing like a beloved enemy, and I knew his schedule as well as my own. He dabbled in investment, but his true love was being a patron of the arts. He was quickly gaining a reputation as an art critic and I trusted his taste whenever I went to purchase something. He had an eye for the up and coming artists and I knew that by the time he was thirty, he would be opening recognized as Japan's foremost expert on modern art. He wouldn't be expecting me, but my arrival wouldn't throw him that badly.   
  
I needed the sword and the memories it would invoke to do that. I needed to take Saionji off-guard if I would ever be able to get anything useful from him. Each of us Duelists had a piece of the puzzle, I would wager, and I wondered if he held one of the vital pieces.   
  
When I arrived, Saionji's butler ushered me to the sunroom where we often conversed. After turning down an offer of tea, I took a place on the couch, placing the box on my knees. Saionji would keep me waiting for a few minutes before arriving.  
  
Sure enough, that was what he did. He leaned against the doorframe, studying me. It had taken him ten minutes for him to show up, and I could tell he was in a particularly prickly mood. His eyes were sharp and I knew now was not the best time to toy with him.   
  
But no one ever accused me of being overly cautious. "Hello, Saionji," I said.   
"Hello." He came into a room, and I felt our ongoing power struggle renew. "What do you have there? Some kind of art you wanted me to look at?" He gave me a considering look.   
  
Oh, it was art, I thought. Perhaps one of the greatest masterpieces ever created. I considered for a second, wondering if I should continue to bait him, or if I should confront him immediately.  
  
Saionji's eyes were curious as he studied the box. "The box is interesting, but I hope there's something inside. I don't think the box is going to gain much value."  
  
"Inside is the key to the future," I whispered.  
  
"Huh?" Saionji said, but there was something in his face that grew guarded. I noted it, wondering.  
  
My hands undid the clasp with ease, and then I was delving into the red rose petals, which filled the room with their sweet, almost overpowering, fragrance. My hands immediately found the hilt, and then the Sword of Dios was rising as though it weighed nothing, taking my hand with it as it drew itself into the light.  
  
Saionji's eyes widened substantially when he saw what I was holding. "Where did you get that?" he demanded fiercely. "Put that cursed thing down!" he ordered. There was fear in Saionji's eyes, genuine fear, something I had never seen reflected there.  
  
One thing became immediately clear to me as I sat in that sunroom, with the midmorning sun reflecting off the blade of the sword. My breath quickened, and it was all I could do not to rise to my feet and level the blade at my friend's, my rival's, throat.  
  
He remembered.   
  
The bastard had recognized the sword on sight, with no pause for unfogging memories. "Saionji!" I snapped angrily. "You will tell me what you know!" I ordered in a dangerously soft voice, a voice which no one was ever able to deny.   
  
His answering smile was mocking. "Know? I know nothing. And admitting that is the first step to finding the truth." Still, his eyes lingered on the sword, rather than on me, and I knew I had rattled his confidence. Inside of his soul, he was shaking in fear.  
  
"Knowledge is admitting you know nothing?" I reflected back at him bitterly. "I'm not in the mood for games, Saionji. Tell me about the Duels, and where Utena is."  
  
He looked at me, and came closer. Saionji was intimidating at that moment, threatening and wild like a tiger just let off a chain. He backhanded my wrist hard enough to cause me to drop the sword in surprise. Neither of us watched it fly across the room, but I heard it chime against the floor, a musical sound that was impossible for plain metal to make against wood; instead our eyes locked in a battle of will. "You know nothing," he told me. "Keep it that way, Kiryuu Touga. Don't invite the devil to dance; he's contained at Ohtori right now, but speak his name and you may summon him."  
  
I stared him down. "I promised my sister."  
  
"Haven't you broken promises to her before? Take my word, Touga, and break this one. It's for her own good."  
  
I leaned forward in the seat, glancing over at the sword. "Now that the Sword of Dios is back in our lives, it must be dealt with. It's not something that can wander around without a wielder, and do you trust any of us to wield it? Have we truly grown enough? Tell me about Utena and the Duels... I don't remember everything in a linear fashion - my memories are like pieces of a shattered mirror."  
  
Saionji shut his eyes, he shook his head. "I can't." He spoke more quietly, and some of his characteristic darkness faded away, leaving weariness to take its place.  
  
I stared angrily at the man who had been my closest friend. "Why not?"  
  
"Because it isn't my place to," he replied. "Truth is something you have to find for yourself- seek out your memories, and I'll cooperate then."  
  
"You? Cooperate?" I laughed. Saionji was many things, but cooperative was never one of them.  
  
I smiled a bit. "I don't think they'll find Tenjou Utena," I told Saionji. "But... we can at least try to help."  
  
Saionji gasped silently. "You... her..." he stepped back, and I could see that I had taken him by surprise. "What do you remember about her?"  
  
"What do you remember?" I retorted.  
  
Saionji's eyes widened. Then he walked over to the couch, and sank down onto it. "I remember the world changing, and being the only one who stayed the same," he whispered. "I remember the revolution."  
  
I leaned back into the couch, and silently started to laugh. Of all of us, Saionji was the one to remember? Ah, Utena, you would be amused. If Saionji remembers... there's hope. We will find you. Maybe this time, you will be ready for an ordinary man. Not a prince, but a man with flaws and who is human, yet loves you just the same.   
  
END PART FOUR  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Feedback is a very good thing. Thoughts and constructive criticism are appreciated. Thanks to Raye Johnsen for her time on the beta, especially since I know her opinion of Touga rather matches mine.  
  
Up Next: Cage of My Memories  
Saionji  
Coming Sooner 


	5. Cage of My Memory

Aishuu Offers  
Afterimage  
  
standard disclaimers

* * *

Part Five: Cage of My Memory  
  
I am the one who remembers the truth.  
  
. Truth is such a fragile thing, one second there, the next not. It's all in the eyes of the beholder. Though I  
wonder at times: if no one knows the truth, does that mean it does not exist? If a tree falls in the forest, and there is  
no one there to hear it, does that mean it makes no sound?  
  
There is a certain irony in the fact that of all of the Duelists, I am the one who remembers.  
  
The Duel called Revolution.  
  
I remember.  
  
I remember watching from the observation platform with the other members of the Student Council as the final battle was fought. Utena, as she ascended to the dueling arena for the final time, brilliant and shining the way a true prince is. Akio, the Fallen Prince. Himemiya, the witch. And somewhere out there, the shadow of Dios, the boy who once was a prince, but became little more then a sorrowful memory, unwoven from within.  
  
I remember watching as Akio attempted to turn Utena into a princess. I remember her refusal, saying she had to protect Himemiya. They argued, then fought with swords -the final Duel- but finally it was Utena who fell, Utena who was betrayed by the princess she had sworn to protect. Betrayed by a monster with a beautiful visage. It was then I fell out of love with the facade who had been the Rose Bride. She was not a prize to be sought; rather, she was nightmare to be feared.  
  
What happened next made me realize why Utena had been chosen as the Victor of the Duels. I would have struck the Rose Bride down, determined to take her into hell with me. Miki would had accepted Himemiya's betrayal. Juri never would have let Himemiya that close in the first place. Nanami hated Himemiya and probably would have betrayed her first. And Touga would had accepted Dios' proposal to live forever, leaving Himemiya behind to bear the Swords of Humanity's hatred forever.  
  
Utena, though, fought on. She struggled her way across the bridge and clawed at the lid to Himemiya's coffin with her bare, bleeding hands.  
  
At that moment, I saw a glimpse of eternity in Utena's face.  
  
I never liked Utena. I never liked how she had carelessly pushed me aside, claiming to know better, claiming that the Rose Bride was her friend! No matter what I did, she always got the better of me, turning me into a seeming fool. Once again, I was second place...  
  
I guess I didn't like her because she reminds me of him. A Kiryuu Touga without flaw, a female Touga who could never fail. The very idea of her scared me half to death.  
  
I remember watching as the Sword of Humanity's Hatred plummeted towards her unprotected back, seeing her mourn for the loss of someone who had already betrayed her. She could have fought back, could have stood up once more and railed against the injustice of her life, but instead she mourned for the loss of her friend, mourned for the fact that she had been unable to be the prince Anshi had so desperately needed.  
  
And then...  
  
Then...  
  
I woke up in my own bed, as though it had been nothing more then a dream.  
  
The next day we had classes, like nothing had ever happened.  
  
Nothing had changed, except no one seemed to really remember Utena. She had become a shadow, someone who was mentioned rarely, and then only spoke of distantly, the way people speak of a cousin they have only met once. Even those who claimed to love her -Miki, Juri, Wakaba and Touga- didn't seem to recall her well.  
  
All that was left was me… and a Himemiya who wandered around with her long hair loose.  
  
I could have spoke to her, for occasionally I saw her casting sad glances at those who had Dueled for her. I didn't though; I knew she was upset that her game had been brought to an end.  
  
For a while I thought I had gone insane. When you disagree with what the world accepts as the truth, you are the one labeled as crazy. I was tempted to leave matters as they were, but once again fate was taken out of my hands.  
  
It was on a spring day, about two weeks later, that I ran into Anshi. She was moving slowly, a thoughtful expression on her face, and barely recognized me when she nearly walked into me.  
  
"Sorry about that, Saionji-san," she said.  
  
I grunted. "Watch where you're going, princess," I told her sarcastically.  
  
Her eyes narrowed for a second, then she shook her head so minutely that I would have noticed if I hadn't been looking for it. "I said I was sorry."  
  
It was strange to hear words that were more characteristic of Utena than Anshi coming out of her mouth. "Sorry doesn't always fix things."  
  
"No, but the apology was sincere. You should accept it."  
  
"Nothing you speak is sincere. How often did you lie to Utena?"  
  
She blinked slowly, and her voice trembled as she spoke. "You remember her?" she asked, and there was almost a desperate hope.  
  
"How could I forget? How did EVERYONE forget?" I asked. I hadn't liked her at all, but I dreaded what had happened to her. It could have been any of our fate, if we had been the ultimate Champion. It could have been my fate, if I hadn't lost Anshi. I owed Utena a debt.  
  
Anshi shaded her turquoise eyes with long lashes. "I don't know. Akio doesn't, either, I think."  
  
"What happened?" I demanded. "What happened to Utena? Where is she?"  
  
"I don't know… as I fell from the cliff, I saw the swords coming for her," Anshi confessed, and she wrapped her arms around herself as though to take reassurance. "But aside from that, I don't know. I don't know if she managed to evade them or not. I… simply don't know." Her voice was full of anguish. For a second, I almost believed that she had a heart.  
  
"You sound like you care," I said mockingly. "I thought the Rose Bride cared for nothing save for Dios."  
  
"I'm not the Rose Bride anymore," she told. "That's part of the revolution Utena brought."  
  
"Revolution? But… the world hasn't changed. There was no revolution."  
  
Her smile was mysterious, though sad. "Are you sure about that?"  
  
She made me uncomfortable, so I decided to change the subject. "I saw the first of the swords run itself through her heart."  
  
She gasped, a delicately boned hand rising to cover her mouth. "Utena…" she whispered. Then she caught my hand. "Come with me, Saionji. I don't have the courage to go on my own."  
  
"Where?" I demanded. Once, I would have followed her to the Ends of the World without questioning, but I had seen the true face of the Rose Bride. Her touch now made my skin crawl, and from the slightly ironic twist of her lips, I could tell she was well aware of my reaction.  
  
She gestured towards the forest. "The Dueling Arena. Maybe… there's some sign of her there. Maybe I should go there first."  
  
I blinked. For some reason, I hadn't thought of returning to the scene of the Duels, though it was a logical move to find the answer to the questions that had been plaguing me. "She could be dead," I told Anshi. It had been nearly a month since Utena had vanished, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go stumbling on her rotting corpse. I hadn't liked her, but I had respected her. If she was there, she should be left in peace.  
  
Anshi placed a hand over her heart. "I don't think she is. I think I would know… but if she is, I can't just leave her there."  
  
"Can't you?"  
  
"Utena deserves better then to be left alone in the Arena," Anshi insisted.  
  
I could see her point, but it was with great reluctance that I agreed to join her as she returned to the place of the Duels. I trusted Anshi not at all, but I could feel the ties of destiny pulling me.  
  
Even though it had been only a month since the Arena had been used, it seemed like a century must have past. Time is a strange thing in Ohtori; of all of us, Miki was the only one who really paid much attention to that. Though Nanami teased him about his compulsive use of a stopwatch, Juri, Touga and I understood. Something was off in the hours of Ohtori, something throwing the linear passage of time into doubt. For someone like Miki, who was precise and controlling of his environment whenever possible, it was nearly unbearable.  
  
Moss grew on the stones, and what had once been perfectly smooth was old and cracked with age. The dream world Akio had shown us was shattered, and I was the only one who had gone back to see the reality. A bit of me cracked inside as I stepped further out of the illusion into reality.  
  
Anshi moved cautiously through the debris, stepping over the human outlines with a slight shudder. Wreckage from the cars of the final Duels stood mixed with dried flower petals of all the colors the duelists had boasted. It made me sorrowful, for this was the ruins of my childhood.  
  
"Anything, Anshi?" I called to her.  
  
"No," she said, taking carefully measured steps towards where the bridge- the final bridge- had been. "But… she's not here."  
  
I nodded. "A true prince can defeat the Swords," I said.  
  
"But was she?" Anshi asked me. "At the very end, I thought I felt her give up."  
  
I laughed. In some ways, I knew Utena better then her supposed best friend. Anshi had been apart from humanity for too long to understand the fire that had driven her. Utena and I had been alike in some respects, both driven by passionate natures that the other Duelists sometimes had problems understanding. "Utena may have been down, but she always comes back up to top. She doesn't understand what it means to lose. If anyone could defeat the swords, it would be Utena."  
  
Anshi nodded, then her face took on a look of resolve. It made her look as pretty as she had when I had first seen her, though this time her eyes held an inner light, rather then the carefully studied blankness of old.  
  
"I'm going to her."  
  
"What?" I exclaimed.  
  
Tucking a loose lock of hair behind her ear, she gave me a brilliant smile. "For all my life, I have been a princess locked away in a tower, always having someone defend me. That's over now, thanks to Utena. I'm finally free, Saionji-san, to make my own decisions. And I chose to be with her."  
  
Anshi reached out and wrapped her arms tightly around me, and I was amazed that I wasn't repulsed anymore. "Thank you for your help, Saionji."  
  
"If you find her, will you let me know?"  
  
She canted her head to the side. "I'll write you," she said evasively. "But I can't promise that, for I refuse to make any promises I can't keep. Promises are important. I know I have no right to… but can I ask you a favor?"  
  
"What is the favor?" I asked warily. I had learned enough not to agree without hearing what I would be agreeing to.  
  
"Keep an eye on my brother. I will remove the last of his power from him when I leave, but some will always fall to his false nature. Someone needs to hold him in check."  
  
"You're asking me to watch the fallen?" I demanded. What she was asking of me was no simple task; it could well take my entire lifetime.  
  
She rested her fingers lightly against my cheek. "Who else but one who has seen the shadows that lurk? The others may have forgotten, but you remember. Only one who remembers the tragedies of the past can protect the future." Her expression was resolute, despite the sorrow.  
  
She was asking a lot, but I understood. There was no one else. What would happen if Akio somehow managed to find another Rose Bride? The cycle would begin anew, and perhaps this time he would win. The thought sent a jolt of terror through me, for who knew how he would chose to reshape the world? A world shaped in his image wasn't one I wanted to live in.  
  
"I swear that Akio shall not succeed in spinning his web as long as I am here," I promised.  
  
She gave me one more blinding smile, a soft kiss on the cheek, then left. I watched her go, wondering about the duty I had just accepted. Was I really a match for Akio, stripped of his powers though he was?  
  
I haven't seen Himemiya Anshi since, though her letters arrive regularly, once a month. She still hasn't found Utena, but she won't give up. I respect that about her- I may not like the Rose Bride, but the woman Himemiya Anshi is becoming is one who I'd like to someday call a friend.  
  
I have so few friends.  
  
Akio has not stirred from Ohtori since Utena defeated him. I can feel him there, through the power of the Rose Seal I still wear on my hand. It is a dangerous thing for me to do, for it represents a promise and power, but as it binds me to him, so is he bound to me as well.  
  
He knows well that I am there, and we watched each other in a careful balancing act that neither of us dares upset. While I doubt that I can defeat him, should he choose to rise, I know I can make his life difficult. Maybe that's why I accepted the position as chair of the elementary division. He holds onto the high school, but I get to the students first.  
  
At Nanami's party, I felt the sense that something was about to happen. It wasn't a particularly foreboding feeling, more one of imminence, a sense that my long wait was about to be rewarded in abundance.  
  
I curbed my natural impatience, and forced myself to stay calm until events played out.  
  
It was like bracing for a typhoon, knowing the inevitable disaster was about to hit, but not having a clue when or where. It took over a week, but in the end, it was Touga who confronted me, Touga who demanded the truth.  
  
Touga, who we had all thought was the real prince until Utena's arrival...  
  
I could not give it to him. I feared what Akio was up to, and if the Duelists remembered, there would be no end of heartbreak. Touga didn't care. He demanded, and as always before, I found myself collapsing under his will. I never had been able to deny him anything. I admitted that there had been a revolution.  
  
"I remember the world changing, and being the only one who stayed the same. I remember the revolution.," I said softly, and then the world changed.  
  
Touga started to laugh, not the amused laugh of satisfaction I had always known, but one of genuine amusement. The laughter started low in his diaphragm, bursting free like a river too long dammed. He put a graceful hand on his forehead, as though he was fighting off a headache, but kept laughing.  
  
"Touga?"  
  
His violet eyes were full of amusement as he kept chuckling. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"  
  
There were plenty of reasons why, most of which I couldn't voice. "Because remembering brings nothing but pain."  
  
"If it's a pain that's honestly earned, I would prefer it to ignorance."  
  
"Ignorance is bliss, Touga."  
  
His laughter, which had been bubbling like a fine flute of champagne, abruptly ceased. "I seek truth."  
  
I walked out, unable to think of anything except escaping. I needed to breathe, I needed to think on what to say... I needed to keep Akio from getting a foothold on my friend's soul again - but it was time I didn't have. It was necessary to face this head-on.  
  
It was a foolish thing to leave, because when I returned, they were there, waiting for me. I raised an eyebrow at Touga, who merely shrugged. Nanami rose from where she had been sitting by Miki, holding her hand out as though in challenge. I noticed the flashing of the Rose signet, and felt my stomach drop into my toes. Immediately my eyes sought the hands of the others, and I was disconcerted to see that each of them -Touga, Miki, Juri- were all wearing their own rings.  
  
I unconsciously hid my hand, which still bore the Crest of the Rose. "What are you all doing here?"  
  
One by one they spoke, in a ritual that was painfully familiar, yet different. Miki's and Nanami's voices had changed as they had grown up, and the ceremony -for it was one- had lost a certain conviction that I had always taken for granted. It was like, yet unalike, that final time so long ago, the day of the Duel called Revolution.  
  
"If it does not break the egg's shell, the chick will die without being born," Touga began.  
  
"We are the chick," Miki picked up, only to be followed rapidly by Juri.  
  
"The egg is the world."  
  
Nanami spoke finally, taking my part as well as her own. "If we do not break the shell of the world, we will die without being born. Break the shell of the world."  
  
"To Revolutionize the World!" they all declared.  
  
A smile twisted my face. "I guess it would be foolish to claim I know nothing, wouldn't it?"  
  
"Very foolish," Juri agreed easily. "Of all of us, you are the only one who never removed his ring. You never stopped being a duelist."  
  
I laughed. I couldn't help myself.  
  
Nanami gave me a puzzled look. "Why are you laughing?"  
  
"You can't ever stop being a duelist. Once you accept the ring, you're bound to it forever. Rings represent forever- that's why they're used for weddings. No end and no beginning.," I said softly. "What do you want?"  
  
I looked to Touga to get the answer, as I always have before. In the end, it is Touga who will always be the leader.  
  
"Where is Tenjou Utena?"  
  
As he spoke her name, I heard the bells of Ohtori ring in the background, and suddenly I knew exactly what we were to do.   
  
"She broke the world's shell. The question is, can we?" I asked softly.  
  
All along, I had been the chick closest to hatching. Outside was the eternity I sought, and I knew I was close to reaching it.  
  
Some things are eternal, and Tenjou Utena might very well be one of those things.  
  
I seek eternity, Utena, and you will show me the way.  
  
END PART FIVE  



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